Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

"I’m Going to Be Famous"

I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!

– Steve Hanson

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"

Son: "They do the mash."

Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.