A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”

The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?

Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.

But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.

So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.

It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.