I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
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