My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Him: Awww, of course!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?

Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.

Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."