Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.

My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.