Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!

What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

Constipated people don’t give a crap.