What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.

My Little Chocolate Mess

Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.

Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!

In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!

(Darlene Gifford)

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)

I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.