Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket

It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.