Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.

Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.