Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

"The Centipede"

I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.

– May Fenn

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.