Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.