Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.

You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.