What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.

(Unknown)

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.