It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
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