"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”

It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”

(John Dryden)

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.