How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
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