There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Go to BabaMail
