Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
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