There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.

(Shel Silverstein)

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.