It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn