How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.

I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.

How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!