It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

Knock knock.
Come in.

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.