I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Go to BabaMail
