Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.

A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.

But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.

So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”