A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
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