Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

"Trouble"

Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.

– David Keppel

It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.