It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.

Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn