What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”

(John Dryden)

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.