I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!