Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”

(John Dryden)

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.

(By Faaizah)

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.