There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
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