What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.

Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”