“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
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