A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Go to BabaMail
