What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
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