An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
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