I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
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