A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

Knock knock.
Come in.

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.