What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
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