A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Go to BabaMail
