How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
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