It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

"I’m Going to Be Famous"

I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!

– Steve Hanson

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."