Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

First you got an alligator.

Next came a giraffe.

Lions ride your elevator,

bears hide in your bath.

Bunnies,

chimps,

(a duck?),

raccoons.....

run amok through all your rooms!

Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!

(Lycia Harding)

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)