Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Him: Awww, of course!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)