A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
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