Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
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