There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
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