Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.

If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny

Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?

- Paul Curtis

How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.