I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Tamara.

Tamara who?

Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

"Trouble"

Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.

– David Keppel

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!