If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.

"I Know You Like Me Best"

Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.