There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
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