Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
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