If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?

When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.

I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.

(Sarina McConnell)

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.