Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight

(Jan Allison)

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.