99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
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