I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!

- Denise Rodgers

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.