Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
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