I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

"Little Boy Blue"

Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.

Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!

– Darren Sardelli

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.