At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Go to BabaMail
