Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
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