What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
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