What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’

- Julie Anna Douglas

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.