What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.

We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

"Bee"

A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.

¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!

– Denise Rodgers

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.