Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
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