Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.

Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.