Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
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