The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?

A bird who can pluck itself.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”