Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
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