Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.

What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

You know what they say? Words.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.