Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?

Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”

(Rhona McFerran)

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "