"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
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