What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Go to BabaMail
