There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!