What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
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