What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
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