My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?

Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”

(Rhona McFerran)

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

Knock knock.
Come in.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?