I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Go to BabaMail
