Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky