I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

I think, therefore I’m single.

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)