How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”

Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.