What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!