Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

"Bee"

A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.

¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!

– Denise Rodgers

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!