Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.