Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
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