We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.

There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.