Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.

(Shel Silverstein)

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!

I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!

Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!

(By Demecia Dean)

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.

"The Little Turtle"

There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.

He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.

He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.

– Vachel Lindsay

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973