I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
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