What makes music on your head?
A headband.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

"The Vulture"

The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.

His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!

– Hilaire Belloc

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.

But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.