I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
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