Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
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