Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)

You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)