There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.

(Unknown)

You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.

You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.

I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.

(Kenneth J. Miller)

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape

Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.

- Patrick Winstanley

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.