How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
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