It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
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