When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!

Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.