Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.