I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
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