What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
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