Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
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