Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!

Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun."

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?