"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

"Month of May"

For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.

That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

- Randy Johnson

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.