The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
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