Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
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