What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

"The Crocodile"

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

– Lewis Carroll

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.