How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”