Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
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