So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.