There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
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