Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?

Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.