A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

(Laura E. Richards)

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.