It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.