Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Go to BabaMail
