There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Go to BabaMail
