It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.