The kids are rumbling and tumblin'

Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.

The football teams are taking a knee,

On Grandma's big screen t.v.

The leaves outside are turning yellow

'Cause winter's coming to say hello.

The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,

Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

- Randy Johnson

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.