This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.

Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel