When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.

The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.

Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.