Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!

(Jan Allison)

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.