There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

"Dear Brother of Mine"

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.

There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.

I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.

But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

A physics teacher writes a question on a board:

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foster home."

Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”

Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.