What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!