What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!

"Bee"

A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.

¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!

– Denise Rodgers

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.