In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
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