Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
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