What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"

Son: "They do the mash."

Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.