It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
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