You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
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