A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Go to BabaMail
