An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

"Family Love"

A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.

– Alison Jean Thomas

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.