A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.

The kids are rumbling and tumblin'

Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.

The football teams are taking a knee,

On Grandma's big screen t.v.

The leaves outside are turning yellow

'Cause winter's coming to say hello.

The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,

Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.

It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.