Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
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