Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.