When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
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