If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?