It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
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