The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
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