Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
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