A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?

Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.