I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks

It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.