It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?