A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
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