What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!

- Denise Rodgers

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

"The Porcupine"

Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.

– Ogden Nash

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.