The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.