What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
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