Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
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