How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.

(Jessica Miles)

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"

Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.