It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
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