What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
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