I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

I think, therefore I’m single.

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.