What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.

But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.

So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?

When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.

I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.

(Sarina McConnell)

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.