Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?

Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.

It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.