When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

(Laura E. Richards)

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

You know what they say? Words.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."