An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.

- Natasha Niemi

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!