"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.