Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.